music from the past.

So I stumbled across a video today, a video that I technically was looking for...but I didn't really want to find it. My heart was pounding in my chest, and my horrible past seemed to be right in front of me.
I wanted to know what you were thinking when you were singing? Were you focusing on the past too? Did you remember, like I remember everyday?

Do those chords remind you of simpler times? Do they bring you back to another time...and suddenly I'm hit with a realization that I can't ask you these questions for an answer, I can't tell you what they remind me of.

I stumbled across this video and one day it hits like a ton of bricks, and everything I've ever had, and everything I've ever known, it's gone. And when I hear those songs play, that soundtrack to my life, I can't help but cry, and I can't help but miss it. but one day I wont hit next...I'll listen to them. I'll let the music overwhelm me, and I'll smile. smile fondly on the past.

I hope you can smile too.

Daniel Beddingfield Makes Me Cry

Well the title says it all, but to be quite honest it wasn't D-Bed who made me cry. I spoke with an old (former) friend tonight. She had been ignoring me, and when I thought all I had wanted was the truth...the truth wound up being a knife to the heart. It's funny how we find ourselves in these situations, it's funny how you remember people in places you never thought of them before. You think of memories that you're confused whether they even happened or not. People escape their pasts everyday, and for them it's so easy. How come I'm standing here, saying "God, move me on, bring me to the next stage of my life" and I'm getting shot down.

I'm not sure how that exactly works...but somehow it seems to be happening. I keep telling myself in my head to have a better attitude, and some days I really do fool myself that I'm better. But then there's sinking feeling in my gut and heart that won't go away. I wish I could simply tell my heart to stop beating that hard, but the outcome of that wouldn't be too pretty.

The old (former) friend was honest. She was just what I wanted from her. But it hurt. It hurt the most because she said something I didn't want to hear, she left a vague distant trace of hope...She said "yet".
Yet could mean whenever. It could mean a month, it could mean a year(s). How soon is yet?
She also said something else I didn't want to hear..."I know you're a good person". She's not supposed to say that, and more than likely if the others knew she said that to me she could get in trouble. Yet, she said it. Yet, she meant it.
What she said was supposed to, probably, make me feel better, make herself feel better because she prevented the crazy girl from not killing herself. But it didn't make me feel better. It made the guilt that much worse. It made it that much worse to block her, and to delete her from internet communication forever...
Well maybe not forever, because that "yet" is still lingering out there somewhere, it's intangible and was given no date.

I was making a bed today when I realized...so this must feel like to have your heart broken.
I cant say that that has ever happened to me, so now I know...and it sucks. Of course losing love of friends isn't really the same as love for boyfriend/girlfriend...but who knows...maybe it's worse?

Writing has always made situations like this a lot easier. I'm beginning to think that it's time to move on, completely. I think the old (former) friends words were too honest...and the future is supposed to be total honesty, but could I stand talking candidly with them like that in the future? Do I even want to anymore?

Should I write myself out of the history books
And mark a place in time for every chance you took?
Don't get me wrong
I know you've got your life in place
I've yet to take the hint some day
I'm sure I'll get the picture
And stop waiting up

Somehow I think I should stop waiting up.
Somehow that honesty has made me realize that it's time to be honest with myself and this world around me and move on from whatever the mess/hole I've dug myself into. Realizing that it'll never be the same again has been really hard...but I think I got that picture, and pray that one day "yet" will be "soon".

best friends mean...

I can't say that I have ever liked change. In fact, I've always hated it, a lot. I have to remind myself every single day, hey things can never stay how they used to be. You always said nothing would ever change. You always acted like it'd be the same forever. I actually thought I'd be the one to change and not you.
Does it hurt?
Yeah. It really does.
I've tried everything in my power to change too. I've tried to accept it. I've bent over backwards to please you. I've tried everything to make it go back.
I get shot down every single time though.
I guess that really proves what I thought all those months ago. That the thing that made us so much stronger, really was just what held us in that spot that we were.
Is it my fault?
I've always been the person to blame myself, so I can't help but think it was me that caused you to be this way. Be so short. Be so sharp. Be so changed.

I wish it was the way it was. I wish you could act like you do to everyone else.

Where'd I go wrong?

Well I know you like I know my family. I know you're gonna get mad at me for even writing this. You're mad I even think this.

Well can't you see?
Can't you see that its all changed?

I wish I could even be mad.

Maybe one day you'll see. One day it'll all be gone, and I hope you'll miss what was like I do.

Well I hope you can hear this. This plea for what once was. This plea for acceptance in the secret club. I'm sorry for what I did, I hope you know. I hope you know I stopped remembering what I apologize for.

Well I hope you can hear this.
Well if you were listening you would know. But I guess you never did want to do that now did you?

Just tell me when this change is over, because I don't like it anymore.