music from the past.

So I stumbled across a video today, a video that I technically was looking for...but I didn't really want to find it. My heart was pounding in my chest, and my horrible past seemed to be right in front of me.
I wanted to know what you were thinking when you were singing? Were you focusing on the past too? Did you remember, like I remember everyday?

Do those chords remind you of simpler times? Do they bring you back to another time...and suddenly I'm hit with a realization that I can't ask you these questions for an answer, I can't tell you what they remind me of.

I stumbled across this video and one day it hits like a ton of bricks, and everything I've ever had, and everything I've ever known, it's gone. And when I hear those songs play, that soundtrack to my life, I can't help but cry, and I can't help but miss it. but one day I wont hit next...I'll listen to them. I'll let the music overwhelm me, and I'll smile. smile fondly on the past.

I hope you can smile too.

Something on the surface...

This was on this weeks Post Secrets and I stared at the contradiction in the simple sentence. It summed up the contradiction of all my feelings I have been having lately. I wish the people who have hurt me are so miserable and guilty. I wish that they got up everyday like I get up everyday, wondering where they went wrong and wishing they could be a better person. I wish they could suffer as much as I am. I wish guilt followed them around like a bad habit.
But then...I think, I reflect. I want them to be happy, because I want to be happy. I'm supposed to hate them, but I couldn't imagine something bad happening to them. I want them to do well in everything that they dream of, I want God to bless them with lives that are unharmed and bless them with the gift of love and acceptance.

This is all one big contradiction, and not everyone can have that perfect happiness, because so many people suffer in this world for different reasons. I don't want to be why they suffer. I want them to forget about me and go on to a great life. If only life were that easy right?

Jason Mraz's You and I Both:
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Daniel Beddingfield Makes Me Cry

Well the title says it all, but to be quite honest it wasn't D-Bed who made me cry. I spoke with an old (former) friend tonight. She had been ignoring me, and when I thought all I had wanted was the truth...the truth wound up being a knife to the heart. It's funny how we find ourselves in these situations, it's funny how you remember people in places you never thought of them before. You think of memories that you're confused whether they even happened or not. People escape their pasts everyday, and for them it's so easy. How come I'm standing here, saying "God, move me on, bring me to the next stage of my life" and I'm getting shot down.

I'm not sure how that exactly works...but somehow it seems to be happening. I keep telling myself in my head to have a better attitude, and some days I really do fool myself that I'm better. But then there's sinking feeling in my gut and heart that won't go away. I wish I could simply tell my heart to stop beating that hard, but the outcome of that wouldn't be too pretty.

The old (former) friend was honest. She was just what I wanted from her. But it hurt. It hurt the most because she said something I didn't want to hear, she left a vague distant trace of hope...She said "yet".
Yet could mean whenever. It could mean a month, it could mean a year(s). How soon is yet?
She also said something else I didn't want to hear..."I know you're a good person". She's not supposed to say that, and more than likely if the others knew she said that to me she could get in trouble. Yet, she said it. Yet, she meant it.
What she said was supposed to, probably, make me feel better, make herself feel better because she prevented the crazy girl from not killing herself. But it didn't make me feel better. It made the guilt that much worse. It made it that much worse to block her, and to delete her from internet communication forever...
Well maybe not forever, because that "yet" is still lingering out there somewhere, it's intangible and was given no date.

I was making a bed today when I realized...so this must feel like to have your heart broken.
I cant say that that has ever happened to me, so now I know...and it sucks. Of course losing love of friends isn't really the same as love for boyfriend/girlfriend...but who knows...maybe it's worse?

Writing has always made situations like this a lot easier. I'm beginning to think that it's time to move on, completely. I think the old (former) friends words were too honest...and the future is supposed to be total honesty, but could I stand talking candidly with them like that in the future? Do I even want to anymore?

Should I write myself out of the history books
And mark a place in time for every chance you took?
Don't get me wrong
I know you've got your life in place
I've yet to take the hint some day
I'm sure I'll get the picture
And stop waiting up

Somehow I think I should stop waiting up.
Somehow that honesty has made me realize that it's time to be honest with myself and this world around me and move on from whatever the mess/hole I've dug myself into. Realizing that it'll never be the same again has been really hard...but I think I got that picture, and pray that one day "yet" will be "soon".