Dear little girl, so much hurt for such a young age.
Trapped inside a pretty little lie.
Your bodies betrayed.
Don't fix your eyes on a fix you rely on.
Fixed her eyes on a fix she relies upon.
Stand unafraid, all the good souls stand on unafraid.
When life starts to burn, and the pain returns.
I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.
There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.
How can you expect to win this war?
Too afraid to fight. Are you too afraid to fight?
Dear little one, there was so much pain.
Time you can't replace.
Trapped inside, too afraid to cry.
And now hands and bruises cover face.
Don't fix your eyes on a fix you rely on.
Fixed her eyes on a fix...
When life starts to burn, and the pain returns.
I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.
There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.
How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?
Stand unafraid.
All the good souls stand unafraid.
Stand unafraid, all the good souls stand unafraid.
When life starts to burn, and the pain returns.
I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.
There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.
How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?
When life starts to burn, and the pain returns.
I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.
There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.
How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?
why is this song so perfect?
Monday, October 6, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
fall baby, fall.
I saw the first red leaf today and a part of me wanted to jump up and down.
Something about fall...that first chill in the air...the way the wind blows hair in your face and your cheeks and nose get just a little cold. The crunch underneath your feet when you step on a leaf. The way the taste of a warm apple cider from Starbucks taste for the first time...The red, orange, yellows, and browns. They all blend together and I can't help but smile.
RA-ing is going good, the responsibility is a little much, but bearable. For some reason worrying so much about other people has made my own problems seem so minuscule, even though their issues are probably smaller than some of mine...it's still nice putting some things into perspective.
oh fall. you bring out the best in me.
Something about fall...that first chill in the air...the way the wind blows hair in your face and your cheeks and nose get just a little cold. The crunch underneath your feet when you step on a leaf. The way the taste of a warm apple cider from Starbucks taste for the first time...The red, orange, yellows, and browns. They all blend together and I can't help but smile.
RA-ing is going good, the responsibility is a little much, but bearable. For some reason worrying so much about other people has made my own problems seem so minuscule, even though their issues are probably smaller than some of mine...it's still nice putting some things into perspective.
oh fall. you bring out the best in me.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
love.
Then you tell me...
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
As the train approaches Gare Du Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
As the train approaches Gare Du Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?
oh sigh...life has a funny way of bringing songs in and out of my life. it has a funny way of making me feel different emotions. good emotions, but different.
i'm on a jimmy eat world kick the past few days...and i love this song. i love most of their stuff, just because it's all not so typical.
i'm falling back in love with switchfoot these days too.
and lifehouse.
basically i'm loving a whole lot of different music.
freshman year of college is about to end. if you told me a year ago where i'd be in life today, what it would all look like...i would have killed myself. however, i'm sitting here right now...happy. happiest i've ever been in a really long time.
i've found things about myself.
i've found friendships.
and most of all i've found God in everything.
pretty much life is grrreat.
i'm on a jimmy eat world kick the past few days...and i love this song. i love most of their stuff, just because it's all not so typical.
i'm falling back in love with switchfoot these days too.
and lifehouse.
basically i'm loving a whole lot of different music.
freshman year of college is about to end. if you told me a year ago where i'd be in life today, what it would all look like...i would have killed myself. however, i'm sitting here right now...happy. happiest i've ever been in a really long time.
i've found things about myself.
i've found friendships.
and most of all i've found God in everything.
pretty much life is grrreat.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Irish Blessing
"I wish you not a path devoid of clouds, nor a life on a bed of roses,
Not that you might never need regret,
nor that you should never feel pain.
No, that is not my wish for you.
My wish for you is:
That you might be brave in times of trial,
when others lay crosses upon your shoulders.
When mountains must be climbed and chasms are to be crossed,
When hope can scarce shine through.
That every gift God gave you might grow with you
and let you give your gift of joy to all who care for you.
That you may always have a friend who is worth that name,
whom you can trust and who helps you in times of sadness,
Who will defy the storms of daily life at your side.
One more wish I have for you:
That in every hour of joy and pain you may feel God close to you.
This is my wish for you and for all who care for you.
This is my hope for you now and forever."
Not that you might never need regret,
nor that you should never feel pain.
No, that is not my wish for you.
My wish for you is:
That you might be brave in times of trial,
when others lay crosses upon your shoulders.
When mountains must be climbed and chasms are to be crossed,
When hope can scarce shine through.
That every gift God gave you might grow with you
and let you give your gift of joy to all who care for you.
That you may always have a friend who is worth that name,
whom you can trust and who helps you in times of sadness,
Who will defy the storms of daily life at your side.
One more wish I have for you:
That in every hour of joy and pain you may feel God close to you.
This is my wish for you and for all who care for you.
This is my hope for you now and forever."
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Iris Says
It’s kind of like watching your worst nightmare unravel right before your eyes, but you can’t wake up. Your eyes are glued so tightly together, and no matter how many times you rub them, or however many times you convince yourself that in a few moments it will all go away...it doesn’t. Iris says that you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming. I never thought it would be true, until now, looking down at her. The tears should be flowing like a faucet, but instead I stand, shocked and in awe at the site before me. I can’t move my arms, legs, or lips. I used to have such a strong grasp on situations like these, I used to be calm, cool, collective.
Iris says all I can breathe is your life, but she’s so weak, and her life is fading so fast. She tries to speak, but she doesn’t have enough energy. She was once so strong, and she’s been reduced to this.
I bend down next to her and kiss her hand. People lay in bed; sick and weak, every day, but it feels like no one will ever understand this. I try to apologize, but it’s too late. Iris says everything is made to be broken. This is life isn’t it. The tears still aren’t coming, and when I breathe in it’s akin to a knife to the chest. Iris says you’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be.
I don’t want to leave her side. I just want to sit, and wait. I sit and wait because away from her side is no one. Away from her side is total loneliness.
Iris says you bleed just to know you’re alive.
Iris says I just want you to know who I am...but she knows. She’s the only one who does.
What Iris doesn’t say is that I’ll miss you, and I am missing you, and that just because this is life...I thought you’d be stronger than it.
Iris says I’d give up forever to touch you...and as I’m squeezing your hand...I know that you feel me somehow.
Iris says all I can breathe is your life, but she’s so weak, and her life is fading so fast. She tries to speak, but she doesn’t have enough energy. She was once so strong, and she’s been reduced to this.
I bend down next to her and kiss her hand. People lay in bed; sick and weak, every day, but it feels like no one will ever understand this. I try to apologize, but it’s too late. Iris says everything is made to be broken. This is life isn’t it. The tears still aren’t coming, and when I breathe in it’s akin to a knife to the chest. Iris says you’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be.
I don’t want to leave her side. I just want to sit, and wait. I sit and wait because away from her side is no one. Away from her side is total loneliness.
Iris says you bleed just to know you’re alive.
Iris says I just want you to know who I am...but she knows. She’s the only one who does.
What Iris doesn’t say is that I’ll miss you, and I am missing you, and that just because this is life...I thought you’d be stronger than it.
Iris says I’d give up forever to touch you...and as I’m squeezing your hand...I know that you feel me somehow.
Monday, April 7, 2008
music from the past.
So I stumbled across a video today, a video that I technically was looking for...but I didn't really want to find it. My heart was pounding in my chest, and my horrible past seemed to be right in front of me.
I wanted to know what you were thinking when you were singing? Were you focusing on the past too? Did you remember, like I remember everyday?
Do those chords remind you of simpler times? Do they bring you back to another time...and suddenly I'm hit with a realization that I can't ask you these questions for an answer, I can't tell you what they remind me of.
I stumbled across this video and one day it hits like a ton of bricks, and everything I've ever had, and everything I've ever known, it's gone. And when I hear those songs play, that soundtrack to my life, I can't help but cry, and I can't help but miss it. but one day I wont hit next...I'll listen to them. I'll let the music overwhelm me, and I'll smile. smile fondly on the past.
I hope you can smile too.
I wanted to know what you were thinking when you were singing? Were you focusing on the past too? Did you remember, like I remember everyday?
Do those chords remind you of simpler times? Do they bring you back to another time...and suddenly I'm hit with a realization that I can't ask you these questions for an answer, I can't tell you what they remind me of.
I stumbled across this video and one day it hits like a ton of bricks, and everything I've ever had, and everything I've ever known, it's gone. And when I hear those songs play, that soundtrack to my life, I can't help but cry, and I can't help but miss it. but one day I wont hit next...I'll listen to them. I'll let the music overwhelm me, and I'll smile. smile fondly on the past.
I hope you can smile too.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Only In My Dreams
I've been running
without a stop in sight
the road has vanished
in this endless dark of night
I had wanted
someone desperately for years
I've long accepted
that I would never find it here
I lost my mind
and close my eyes 'cause
it's only in my dreams
I can see angels
only in my dreams
life is a miracle
I can't be seeing your face
touching your hand
'cause it seems
it's only in my dreams
You were searching
looking through the broken glass
when I found you
you had thought our time had passed
I'm astounded that you let me hold you back
when even after, you let me take you in
I can't be seeing your face
Touching your hand
'cause it seems
it's only in my dreams
without a stop in sight
the road has vanished
in this endless dark of night
I had wanted
someone desperately for years
I've long accepted
that I would never find it here
I lost my mind
and close my eyes 'cause
it's only in my dreams
I can see angels
only in my dreams
life is a miracle
I can't be seeing your face
touching your hand
'cause it seems
it's only in my dreams
You were searching
looking through the broken glass
when I found you
you had thought our time had passed
I'm astounded that you let me hold you back
when even after, you let me take you in
I can't be seeing your face
Touching your hand
'cause it seems
it's only in my dreams
Only In My Dreams by Bob Hartry
Monday, March 10, 2008
Neon, Kentucky
I just got back from my service trip over Spring Break in Neon, Kentucky...part of the Appalachian region. What an amazing experience. But to be honest, also extremely saddening. I have never seen such beauty, and such poverty all in one area. How some people could be so ignorant of the extreme poverty that is in our own country, it just baffles me. The people there are so gracious, so willing to improve their lives, but it is impossible for them to. I wish I could have done more than dig a few holes to build a wall to prevent another mudslide. I wish I could put a booming business right in the town and save their economy, but I can't. It's hard to come back here though, where people can be so selfish and ignorant to the injustices that are taking place in our own country. It's not fair at all, and it's so frustrating to deal with these people. These people who refuse to see past their own suburb.
I guess, that's life though, and all I can do is keep trying to make them open their eyes.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
happy songs
You're mixing me up now
You're pulling my teeth out
You're wishing my arguments away
I'll follow directions
I'll stick to your reasons
This isn't the season to go running away
-The Season by Quietdrive
Hey up town girl
Can you hear this down town song?
Wrote a couple of words to tell you
Right here is where you belong
I bet you walk the streets
Wondering who you’re thinking of
Hope you’re looking for someone to hold
And not at all in love
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah
I keep asking myself
If our hands were meant to be
I know this town is busy,
But I live on Public Street
We can get out of here
If only for just tonight
Ride like some Rollin stone
That’s forced to waste your life
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind
When I’m under (when I’m under)
Is it me you’re thinking of?
With this light (get on your knees)
I pray you’re not at all in love
With someone else (with someone new)
With something other than me and you
Just wanna be where you are (Just where you are)
If ever you’re lonely I won’t be far
Downtown Song by Anberlin
And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall
Oh, May
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh, May
Do you wanna get married Or run away?
Slide by Goo Goo Dolls
Tonight, I will take my cross
Tonight, I will count this cost
Tonight, I will realize to take hold of this very moment
In this time, you draw me by these words You’ve spoken
I feel inside, this never-ending hope
I’ve placed all that I trust in knowing one day I will see You
The only thing worth holding onto is holding onto me
Tonight by Jeremy Camp
You're pulling my teeth out
You're wishing my arguments away
I'll follow directions
I'll stick to your reasons
This isn't the season to go running away
-The Season by Quietdrive
Hey up town girl
Can you hear this down town song?
Wrote a couple of words to tell you
Right here is where you belong
I bet you walk the streets
Wondering who you’re thinking of
Hope you’re looking for someone to hold
And not at all in love
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah
I keep asking myself
If our hands were meant to be
I know this town is busy,
But I live on Public Street
We can get out of here
If only for just tonight
Ride like some Rollin stone
That’s forced to waste your life
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind
When I’m under (when I’m under)
Is it me you’re thinking of?
With this light (get on your knees)
I pray you’re not at all in love
With someone else (with someone new)
With something other than me and you
Just wanna be where you are (Just where you are)
If ever you’re lonely I won’t be far
Downtown Song by Anberlin
And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall
Oh, May
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh, May
Do you wanna get married Or run away?
Slide by Goo Goo Dolls
Tonight, I will take my cross
Tonight, I will count this cost
Tonight, I will realize to take hold of this very moment
In this time, you draw me by these words You’ve spoken
I feel inside, this never-ending hope
I’ve placed all that I trust in knowing one day I will see You
The only thing worth holding onto is holding onto me
Tonight by Jeremy Camp
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Sing this to me?
Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you
Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love
I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued
Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love
A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there
Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love
Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you
Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love
I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued
Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love
A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there
Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love
Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Loving your neighbor...
2 weeks from today I will be in Neon, Kentucky. 12 hours away. Experiencing a different culture and a different way of living. Yesterday we had a meeting with everyone going on the different immersion trips and a speaker from one of the sites came to tell us of his life growing up, and what we should expect to see when we go. At the end of his talk he spoke of a love that these people have for us. We haven't even arrived, and they love us so dearly.
I can not help but remember the bible passage he read concerning this love. From 1John 4, but specifically John 4:19. "We love, because He first loved us."
He first loved me.
He still loves me.
I've been up for days,
Trying to find a way to write this confession down
Seems every line I writes amiss,
At least this I'll admit
For what I've done, I am not proud
But there's no need to pretend, no need for innocence
I've got to be honest now
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight,
Of my crimes.
This is passion, it's not love,
Infatuation never ends up right.
At least I won't be alone tonight.
'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight.
The prosecution rests,
With convincing evidence.
It seems I've been deceived.
So now I stand alone and wait for the first stone,
To be cast upon me.
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight of my crimes.
This is passion, it's not love,
Infatuation never ends up right.
At least I won't be alone tonight.
'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight.
If convicted, I will surely do my time.
At least I won't be alone tonight.
'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight.
I can not help but remember the bible passage he read concerning this love. From 1John 4, but specifically John 4:19. "We love, because He first loved us."
He first loved me.
He still loves me.
I've been up for days,
Trying to find a way to write this confession down
Seems every line I writes amiss,
At least this I'll admit
For what I've done, I am not proud
But there's no need to pretend, no need for innocence
I've got to be honest now
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight,
Of my crimes.
This is passion, it's not love,
Infatuation never ends up right.
At least I won't be alone tonight.
'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight.
The prosecution rests,
With convincing evidence.
It seems I've been deceived.
So now I stand alone and wait for the first stone,
To be cast upon me.
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight of my crimes.
This is passion, it's not love,
Infatuation never ends up right.
At least I won't be alone tonight.
'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight.
If convicted, I will surely do my time.
At least I won't be alone tonight.
'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Slide
With Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls playing in the background, she feels beautiful. A smile stretches her lips, and she can't help but feel her heart pound and pound. Each second giving out more happiness to the next. He lives with all her faults, and kisses her cheek lightly whenever she doubts anything about herself. He squeezes her hand making her heart pound anymore. A giggle escapes her mouth, and red races to her face, but then he flashes that grin. That grin that could give world peace a run for it's money if he let it.
The way he sings into her ear makes her want to cry. The way he dreams so big for the both of them. The way anything is possible in his arms. Those strong arms, that never seemed important all those times before. He slides right up next to her like he was meant to for all of his life. He doesn't judge, he doesn't get mad, he doesn't lie. By standing there, with his arms wrapped around her those scars on her own arms are erased. That smile stretches her mouth again, and she never thought it'd be like this again, but here he was.
It's an ecstasy between them, it's a blindness, it's a waiting and a patience for something greater than they ever imagined. He's erasing her sins and doesn't care how she used to deal, but living alone on how she feels. He tells her he'll wait forever, he tells her she's beautiful, and it's only good to be alive when being with her.
All you can taste is this moment, all you can breathe in is every day coming and going, there's no need in missing anyone tonight. He tells her this, and she knows it's right.
Slide comes on again, and the smile hits her like a ton of bricks. She opens her eyes and he's right there and she slides right on next to him, wanting to breathe, taste, feel this moment forever, and the pains of every day life drift away in the blink of an eye.
The way he sings into her ear makes her want to cry. The way he dreams so big for the both of them. The way anything is possible in his arms. Those strong arms, that never seemed important all those times before. He slides right up next to her like he was meant to for all of his life. He doesn't judge, he doesn't get mad, he doesn't lie. By standing there, with his arms wrapped around her those scars on her own arms are erased. That smile stretches her mouth again, and she never thought it'd be like this again, but here he was.
It's an ecstasy between them, it's a blindness, it's a waiting and a patience for something greater than they ever imagined. He's erasing her sins and doesn't care how she used to deal, but living alone on how she feels. He tells her he'll wait forever, he tells her she's beautiful, and it's only good to be alive when being with her.
All you can taste is this moment, all you can breathe in is every day coming and going, there's no need in missing anyone tonight. He tells her this, and she knows it's right.
Slide comes on again, and the smile hits her like a ton of bricks. She opens her eyes and he's right there and she slides right on next to him, wanting to breathe, taste, feel this moment forever, and the pains of every day life drift away in the blink of an eye.
College Laziness
whenitrains xx5 (6:13:57 PM) : i dont wannnna do workkk
hyperhottie723 (6:14:08 PM) : Dude, me fucking either.
hyperhottie723 (6:14:25 PM) : I'm too lazy to even annunciate my laziness out loud.
whenitrains xx5 (6:14:30 PM) : kill me. i wont tell anyone its you we can say i killed myself
whenitrains xx5 (6:14:33 PM) : yo me fucking too
hyperhottie723 (6:14:44 PM) : Hahahaha.
hyperhottie723 (6:14:53 PM) : I was too lazy to even laugh.
hyperhottie723 (6:15:04 PM) : I fucking smiled, and it took too much energy out of me.
whenitrains xx5 (6:15:17 PM) : hahaha im too lazy to look across the room at you
whenitrains xx5 (6:15:39 PM) : all i have to do is type 250 words on one paragraph...and icant
hyperhottie723 (6:16:24 PM) : Dude, how are we gonna survive until April.
whenitrains xx5 (6:16:40 PM) : lots and lots of coffee and golden girls?
hyperhottie723 (6:17:11 PM) : Yes.
hyperhottie723 (6:17:18 PM) : But I'm too lazy to even get coffee.
hyperhottie723 (6:17:24 PM) : Gosh, I need to be shot.
whenitrains xx5 (6:18:25 PM) : oy...
whenitrains xx5 (6:19:23 PM) : can i close a window im chilly?
hyperhottie723 (6:20:08 PM) : Dude, of course...
hyperhottie723 (6:20:16 PM) : If you feel like getting up and doing so.
whenitrains xx5 (6:20:24 PM) : i will...maybe
whenitrains xx5 (6:23:13 PM) : actually im not really that chilly
hyperhottie723 (6:23:24 PM) : Hahaha, slut.
hyperhottie723 (6:23:37 PM) : You had the energy to laugh?
hyperhottie723 (6:23:43 PM) : Gosh, I don't hahaha.
whenitrains xx5 (6:23:51 PM) : did you ohear how pathetic that laugh was though?
hyperhottie723 (6:24:02 PM) : Instead I'm laughing deep inside through my "hahahaha's."
hyperhottie723 (6:24:04 PM) : HAHA YES.
whenitrains xx5 (6:24:25 PM) : im totes saving this convo cause this is too priceless
hyperhottie723 (6:24:44 PM) : Dude, I know.
whenitrains xx5 (6:27:37 PM) : i wanna call my mom but my phone is over on my bed
whenitrains xx5 (6:28:10 PM) : HEY your doing work over there!!!
hyperhottie723 (6:28:12 PM) : Hahahahaha.
hyperhottie723 (6:28:15 PM) : YEAH hoe.
whenitrains xx5 (6:28:20 PM) : BITCH
hyperhottie723 (6:28:35 PM) : Fucking skank ...
whenitrains xx5 (6:28:44 PM) : whorebag
hyperhottie723 (6:29:03 PM) : C***rag.
whenitrains xx5 (6:29:13 PM) : cuntface
hyperhottie723 (6:29:28 PM) : I resent you for being able to say it.
whenitrains xx5 (6:30:16 PM) : i know its sooo nice
hyperhottie723 (6:30:37 PM) : You are such a whore.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Something on the surface...
This was on this weeks Post Secrets and I stared at the contradiction in the simple sentence. It summed up the contradiction of all my feelings I have been having lately. I wish the people who have hurt me are so miserable and guilty. I wish that they got up everyday like I get up everyday, wondering where they went wrong and wishing they could be a better person. I wish they could suffer as much as I am. I wish guilt followed them around like a bad habit.
But then...I think, I reflect. I want them to be happy, because I want to be happy. I'm supposed to hate them, but I couldn't imagine something bad happening to them. I want them to do well in everything that they dream of, I want God to bless them with lives that are unharmed and bless them with the gift of love and acceptance.
This is all one big contradiction, and not everyone can have that perfect happiness, because so many people suffer in this world for different reasons. I don't want to be why they suffer. I want them to forget about me and go on to a great life. If only life were that easy right?
Jason Mraz's You and I Both:
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Friday, February 15, 2008
Daniel Beddingfield Makes Me Cry
Well the title says it all, but to be quite honest it wasn't D-Bed who made me cry. I spoke with an old (former) friend tonight. She had been ignoring me, and when I thought all I had wanted was the truth...the truth wound up being a knife to the heart. It's funny how we find ourselves in these situations, it's funny how you remember people in places you never thought of them before. You think of memories that you're confused whether they even happened or not. People escape their pasts everyday, and for them it's so easy. How come I'm standing here, saying "God, move me on, bring me to the next stage of my life" and I'm getting shot down.
I'm not sure how that exactly works...but somehow it seems to be happening. I keep telling myself in my head to have a better attitude, and some days I really do fool myself that I'm better. But then there's sinking feeling in my gut and heart that won't go away. I wish I could simply tell my heart to stop beating that hard, but the outcome of that wouldn't be too pretty.
The old (former) friend was honest. She was just what I wanted from her. But it hurt. It hurt the most because she said something I didn't want to hear, she left a vague distant trace of hope...She said "yet".
Yet could mean whenever. It could mean a month, it could mean a year(s). How soon is yet?
She also said something else I didn't want to hear..."I know you're a good person". She's not supposed to say that, and more than likely if the others knew she said that to me she could get in trouble. Yet, she said it. Yet, she meant it.
What she said was supposed to, probably, make me feel better, make herself feel better because she prevented the crazy girl from not killing herself. But it didn't make me feel better. It made the guilt that much worse. It made it that much worse to block her, and to delete her from internet communication forever...
Well maybe not forever, because that "yet" is still lingering out there somewhere, it's intangible and was given no date.
I was making a bed today when I realized...so this must feel like to have your heart broken.
I cant say that that has ever happened to me, so now I know...and it sucks. Of course losing love of friends isn't really the same as love for boyfriend/girlfriend...but who knows...maybe it's worse?
Writing has always made situations like this a lot easier. I'm beginning to think that it's time to move on, completely. I think the old (former) friends words were too honest...and the future is supposed to be total honesty, but could I stand talking candidly with them like that in the future? Do I even want to anymore?
Somehow I think I should stop waiting up.
Somehow that honesty has made me realize that it's time to be honest with myself and this world around me and move on from whatever the mess/hole I've dug myself into. Realizing that it'll never be the same again has been really hard...but I think I got that picture, and pray that one day "yet" will be "soon".
I'm not sure how that exactly works...but somehow it seems to be happening. I keep telling myself in my head to have a better attitude, and some days I really do fool myself that I'm better. But then there's sinking feeling in my gut and heart that won't go away. I wish I could simply tell my heart to stop beating that hard, but the outcome of that wouldn't be too pretty.
The old (former) friend was honest. She was just what I wanted from her. But it hurt. It hurt the most because she said something I didn't want to hear, she left a vague distant trace of hope...She said "yet".
Yet could mean whenever. It could mean a month, it could mean a year(s). How soon is yet?
She also said something else I didn't want to hear..."I know you're a good person". She's not supposed to say that, and more than likely if the others knew she said that to me she could get in trouble. Yet, she said it. Yet, she meant it.
What she said was supposed to, probably, make me feel better, make herself feel better because she prevented the crazy girl from not killing herself. But it didn't make me feel better. It made the guilt that much worse. It made it that much worse to block her, and to delete her from internet communication forever...
Well maybe not forever, because that "yet" is still lingering out there somewhere, it's intangible and was given no date.
I was making a bed today when I realized...so this must feel like to have your heart broken.
I cant say that that has ever happened to me, so now I know...and it sucks. Of course losing love of friends isn't really the same as love for boyfriend/girlfriend...but who knows...maybe it's worse?
Writing has always made situations like this a lot easier. I'm beginning to think that it's time to move on, completely. I think the old (former) friends words were too honest...and the future is supposed to be total honesty, but could I stand talking candidly with them like that in the future? Do I even want to anymore?
Should I write myself out of the history books
And mark a place in time for every chance you took?
Don't get me wrong
I know you've got your life in place
I've yet to take the hint some day
I'm sure I'll get the picture
And stop waiting up
And mark a place in time for every chance you took?
Don't get me wrong
I know you've got your life in place
I've yet to take the hint some day
I'm sure I'll get the picture
And stop waiting up
Somehow I think I should stop waiting up.
Somehow that honesty has made me realize that it's time to be honest with myself and this world around me and move on from whatever the mess/hole I've dug myself into. Realizing that it'll never be the same again has been really hard...but I think I got that picture, and pray that one day "yet" will be "soon".
Monday, February 11, 2008
Lonely
It's an aching in my heart,
a tremble in my hand,
a sudden realization that it's gone.
Laughing is only temporary,
Smiles fade away
Sleep doesn't last forever.
Faith becomes just an excuse,
Your ridicule becomes a constant reminder,
etched into my brain.
Pain becomes permanent,
These scars can't seem to fade.
When will these memories cease to exist?
Will the thought of everything make me cry until the day I die?
I'm scared of this pain I've caused,
I'm afraid of the consequences of these thoughts...
I'm asking a Lord up above to save me,
Whenever He wants to...
Please Lord,
Save me.
a tremble in my hand,
a sudden realization that it's gone.
Laughing is only temporary,
Smiles fade away
Sleep doesn't last forever.
Faith becomes just an excuse,
Your ridicule becomes a constant reminder,
etched into my brain.
Pain becomes permanent,
These scars can't seem to fade.
When will these memories cease to exist?
Will the thought of everything make me cry until the day I die?
I'm scared of this pain I've caused,
I'm afraid of the consequences of these thoughts...
I'm asking a Lord up above to save me,
Whenever He wants to...
Please Lord,
Save me.
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