love & happiness & god

it is better to have loved and lossed than never have loved at all.

an age old saying that i can't bring myself to agree with at this certain time. i used to believe it. i used to believe in everything: the power of laughter, god, friendship, and of course...love. i suppose it's the cynic in me that drove everything i have ever cared about down into this sinking hole. this world where nothing is real and nothing lasts. the optimist in me used to believe in doing anything that meant having fun. suddenly, as i look at the shootings at VA tech and death all around me...i see fun isn't the only thing. appreciating, and understanding play a big fact in all of that. the cynic in me is having a hard time with the fun part when all i can see is bitter unhappiness in everyone i am around.
i used to love god. saying that feels odd now. do i love Him? or do i even believe in Him? or does just believing someones out there = understanding. or me even questioning His existence does that = hate. or does that mean i'm just lost...trying to find myself back to the naive 10 year old me who believed in everything, laughed for hours, and had fun...because fun was all that matters.
the days where depression was cool came and swept that 10 year old away. then, she came back, and life was good.
but...as i said before, nothing really lasts does it?

so now here i am wondering whether god exists, whether love exists, whether fun can bring happiness or understanding does it. and it's kinda weird because i'm entering college in a matter of months, i'm supposed to be well educated, opionated and smart and all of that jazz...and myself at 10 years old in 5th grade was so much more smarter and wiser than me.


sucks.