more smiles

my day started with a "high five!" as i had just avoided a cop pulling me over on a road that is 25 that i usually do 40. i don't know why i got so excited, but i just was. it's amazing how one little thing can get someone excited. it's like when i'm at work, going through the monotony of my day and there comes this old lady. she's quiet and polite, but when she gets the exact change or receives a coupon, this smile illuminates her face, and i can't help but smile to see how such a little thing, 50 cents in change can bring a smile to someone, who can no longer do the crazy things that some teenagers insist is the only way they can be happy.
then of course there's the little two year old who gets so happy by pushing the green button to allow their parents credit cards to process through the EFT machine. or the baby who gets to hold a little carton of gold fish, and that's what keeps them happy.
and then I look around myself, and it's so hard to find the happiness in the little things, or how I take for granted my life, and get upset over everything. maybe i should reverse my own standard, my own stupidity. get excited of the regular ordinary things/everything and get upset over practically nothing.
maybe if everyone did that there'd be more smiles in this world, and less bitter hatred towards teachers or things we can't control.


the example of a pleasant existence, a humble existence with nothing to prove, with no agenda but to exist with a smile throughout the week.-Zach Gehring

when writing meets the devil

So I'm in writer's workshop class and there's this teacher. She needs to know everything. I'm at this laptop, trying to write something, and BAM there she is hovering over my shoulder. We're supposed to have three things done by next Friday and it's a litle hard when she's hovering over my damn shoulder asking "who is the boy you're referring to there?" "what's that site you're on?" "how is your family doing after your cousin died?"
She believes in expressing yourself, and be inspired by everything. I get inspired by music, yet I can't listen to music in this class. She jots notes down and wants to know what we're doing and, I suppose, that's her job. Keep us all in line, know what we're doing. But isn't this class supposed to be expressing our thoughts in writing? I don't think my thoughts are the same ones as a 15 year old jack ass who is obsessed with politics and buffalo chicken wraps made by 80 year old cafeteria ladies.
That's what she wants.
And she likes talkingabout our feelings on depressing topics.
Take the VA Tech shooting:
She wanted to make us watch the gunman's confession on the computer. Maybe she doesn't realize that not all of us want to watch the depression with random people I barely know, and quite frankly don't want to share my opinions with 2 jocks, 1 hippy, 1 dumbass blonde, 3 freshman, 1 girl who wants to be popular, and 1 girl I can actually stand. A group that cares less about the fact 33 people died. Or the fact that the world does not revolve around lunch food, NCAA, or Geo-Physics.
Cool.

I'm not even in a bad mood. The class I used to stand is what is making my day just get a lot of angered fulled.
Oh and now she spies on our facebooks and shit. SWEET.

( )

Take my hand and let us travel away
Away from the spinning images that haunt
Haunt our dreams and sleepless nights
Nights I would rather be in your arms
Arms so strong they suffocate my my lungs
Lungs burning with desire and passion
Passion to be someone else and achieve more
More out there than this ordinary life
Life becomes harder than I thought
Thoughts of futures and pasts
Pasts become my present dreams
Dreams of you and me together
Together where we're safe
Safe from those that I could never trust
Trust in you to take
Take me away from this life...into the next

love & happiness & god

it is better to have loved and lossed than never have loved at all.

an age old saying that i can't bring myself to agree with at this certain time. i used to believe it. i used to believe in everything: the power of laughter, god, friendship, and of course...love. i suppose it's the cynic in me that drove everything i have ever cared about down into this sinking hole. this world where nothing is real and nothing lasts. the optimist in me used to believe in doing anything that meant having fun. suddenly, as i look at the shootings at VA tech and death all around me...i see fun isn't the only thing. appreciating, and understanding play a big fact in all of that. the cynic in me is having a hard time with the fun part when all i can see is bitter unhappiness in everyone i am around.
i used to love god. saying that feels odd now. do i love Him? or do i even believe in Him? or does just believing someones out there = understanding. or me even questioning His existence does that = hate. or does that mean i'm just lost...trying to find myself back to the naive 10 year old me who believed in everything, laughed for hours, and had fun...because fun was all that matters.
the days where depression was cool came and swept that 10 year old away. then, she came back, and life was good.
but...as i said before, nothing really lasts does it?

so now here i am wondering whether god exists, whether love exists, whether fun can bring happiness or understanding does it. and it's kinda weird because i'm entering college in a matter of months, i'm supposed to be well educated, opionated and smart and all of that jazz...and myself at 10 years old in 5th grade was so much more smarter and wiser than me.


sucks.