depressing

so i was in a good mood all day. bad news came. then i read my stupid friends bulletin and i'm bawling

"so, i was taking a shower early this morning and i had been thinking of the last time i saw joey....it made me think of how many other women have been in my position and how most people can not relate....
here it is...my words, my heart, my greatest loss. it may be jumbled but this is rawness.


it was the night i found out he had re-enlisted to the army after being in already for 3 years. he was almost done. i looked at him and asked him if he knew how hard it was for the "wives" of military men to watch them walk out the door. he replied with "baby, i know but i'll be back."
its not that simple.
we, as the women, know that there is a greater chance that when he leaves for work, he wont come back. he isnt just gone a few hours a day. its months at a time where we lie in bed praying for just another morning and another night for his life to keep on going. each person endures risk of fatality just walking out the door and anyone can die at any given moment, but when its like this....
....its just not the same.
we cherish the 10 minute phone calls we get maybe once a week from over seas. we weep every night as we clutch his latest letter to our heart. his picture beside the bed, we look to him every night and say sweet dreams, because somehow we know, wherever he is stationed....he would do the exact same thing.
tomorrow is never a guarantee.

anyway, as i hugged him and kissed him before he turned to leave, i knew in my heart that i would never see him again. a little less than a year from this night we were to be married. i held him and said "im proud of you for fighting for me and the rest of this country."
and then a grown man cried.
he always said he felt this is what he needed to do.
i never quite understood.
but he wasnt fighting just to fight. he was fighting for my future and our kid's future.

so many wives get to curl up with their husbands every night. they fight over stupid things, but in the end....they have him. right there. in front of their faces.
i have a picture.
so many people take for granted what they have. so many people complain about their jobs and how tired they are. i tell them to try and walk a mile in a military man's shoes. these men leave behind their whole lives to fight for you and me. they barely sleep. they havent had a home cooked meal in forever. and yet, something keeps them going.

i knew one day that phone call might come.
but when it came, i wasnt prepared.
joey was gone.
every night i look up at the sky and wonder where he is that moment, if he's watching me. i mean, i know he is. but i just hope he knows, i wasn't really mad at him for re-enlisting. yeah, it changed my life upsdie down and he isnt here anymore....
....but it helped me realize that life and the people we love should not be taken for granted.
ever.

my whole heart broke.
its been a long time picking up the pieces.

july is almost here.
i wont be married....

but this is the life of being a military "wife"


i will marry one day and have children, and i will let them know about a hero that once lived.

this is what these men are,
heroes.
nothing more.
nothing less.




~rest in peace~"


i hate crying

the sad boy.

Doctor's offices always suck. They especially suck when they keep on telling you you're dying, pretty sweet. I saw a little kid the other day with cancer in a doctor's office, and the keep telling him he's dying. Of course, they don't really tell him that. They say things like "You're really sick buddy." or "You just keep staying strong". But, I think, he knows. I think this, because he's always scared. He sees the way his mom always cries after going to the doctor. The way people keep treating him differently. He can tell somethings wrong, and just by seeing his scared little face, I can tell he knows its him.
So hearing going to the doctor for him must really suck.
Blue probably used to be one of his favorite colors, ever little boy is forced into liking blue since their born, but the doctor's office is blue, so I bet he doesn't like it that much anymore. In the waiting room they have really nice chairs, but he looks really uncomfortable in them. The trucks are all lined up for him to play with and crash crash crash into each other, but his mom looks unhappy and he knows the noise might make her not smile. So he sits there, looking all around at all the big people, and he's scared. All the big people are looking at him too, but they know what's wrong, they feel bad for him, they want to cry for him.
And all he wants to do is for everyone to smile, and for him not to be scared anymore.
He can't do that though, because the nurse is about to say his name, and give that fake happy "you'll be just fine" smile, and he gets that everytime, and now he knows that he obviously won't be "just fine".