Unclear

I'm not too sure what was going on with that one. Well I do know, and in all honesty, I'm not sure why I did what I did, and do what I do. No matter how much I make fun of those kids, and say I don't understand who would want to be like them, it's me.
It hit me like a brick when I realized how uncomfortable I am with myself. I don't like it when people make assumptions about me. I don't like it when they say things that they know nothing about. I get offended easily, and I want to stand up for myself, but I just don't have any guts. I should be open and accepting of their thoughts, beliefs, and opions. I should be open to criticism, but I can't. I take every little thing as an insult. It's not good. I should love how God made me, but I'm not sure I am. My personality jumps up and down like a yo-yo. And the sad thing is I'm really happy. I have the best friend in the world. I'm fortunate to have a family who is still here and alive. And I'm alive. I'm not sick. I'm not at risk of being bombed or murdered. My country is at war, but what am I doing? Nothing. I'm sitting here in the comfort of my home for the holidays.

So what's my problem?

That's a good question.

I think it's come down to the fact that I just think too much about everything. Nothing is simple. And it's my own fault.

I'm just hoping and waiting for it all to pass, and maybe I can go back to seeing how lucky I am and quit my whining once and for all.

Here We Go Again

I'm starting one of these things, because I miss writing. And I created this, and this is the first thing that came out. I'm just an emo cool kid like that, what can I say?



Here we go again, back to where it all began. Back to two years ago. Back to the same room I stood in with the same tears. Here we go again, with everything I said I’d never go back to. I promised myself. I repeated a mantra over and over again with “It’s stupid, it doesn’t help, don’t do it.” But here I am. Back for my own redemption. Back to prove I’m not alright. Back, because I just can’t get by. Here we go again, but with some new phrases in my head, “Fuck up, loser, liar, and failure.” Nothing could get it out. Not a friend pleading me not to do it. Not a gravestone with a reminder of what will become of me. Not all the progress that I cleared away with all the junk I shoved off the table as it revealed the broken glass underneath.
Here we go again, and I’m wondering if I should. I knee myself down to face the broken glass. To face my past. To face a tomorrow, which will hold nothing but regret. To face a disappointed friend. To face the scorn of a parent. To face expectations. To face hope. To face questions. To face myself. The tears trickled down my face, more and more. “This isn’t me, I’m not like this, I’m better then this. I can get over this, I can get by.” I heard the yelling, the backstabbing, the lies, all in my head from the whole day. I couldn’t tell anyone about it because they just wouldn’t understand anymore. They wouldn’t know because they see me as someone else. I’m trapped in a lie, trapped in a body that isn’t mine, trapped in expectations that aren’t meant for me.
Here we go again, and I’m grasping the table in front of me, hysterically crying. I want to run away. “This isn’t the answer.” I know that, but I need it. I need to know, and have a reminder that this is who I am. I need to feel something I deserve for once. I need to see that I deserve this pain. I need to not breathe for a few moments in time. I need to yell. I need to know that I’m not who I’ve said, and this is who I am. This mess. This worthless, useless, mess, on her knees, in a room that’s not hers, crying. This is me. This is what I am, and nothing else.
Here we go again, and I know I’m not who they say. Not someone who is brave. Not someone who is funny. Not someone who can handle pressure easily. Not someone who is intelligent. Not someone who knows what they’re doing. It’s all a fake. It’s all a lie. It’s what I have become. A faker. A liar.
And here we go again, and I’m about to take my wrist against the broken glass. “I just can’t get by, I just can’t get by.”
And here we go again, and I know this isn’t worth it.
And here we go again, and I just want to drift away.
And here we go again, and I don’t want to.
And here we go again, and I need to.
And here we go again, and I can’t breathe.
And here we go again, and I cry uncontrollably.
And here we go again, and I hate myself.
And here we go again, and I am ashamed.
And here we go again, and I became everything I hate.
And here we go again, and I am not worth this.
And here we go again, and I cannot believer what I just did.
And here we go again, and I wipe away the tears.
And here we go again, and I pull down my sleeve.
And here we go again, and I promise myself, never again.
Here we go again….